Rounding out the Family: Adding a Second Child

I did not believe the ultrasound tech when she told DaveBee, The Bear and I that we were having a girl. While I did not a have a feeling either way on my second baby's gender... my brain told me it was going to be a boy...

"It's a girl!"

We could not have been happier. What a wonderful way to round out the little family.  From that moment on I wondered about TheBird and how she would fit in to our world.

Life has been so different since her arrival. It has been a total confidence-builder and also a foundation-shaker.  Read on to hear more about what has worked to help keep the peace and what has not after adding baby number two.

Prepare your First Child
Regardless of your first child's age, talk it out.  Over. And over.  Never assume they will get it the first time or remember.  When the baby is born there may be a honeymoon period where your first babe basks in all the attention from family and friends. Eventually, life starts to become somewhat back to normal for them with the exception of this new attention hog!  Keep talking to them.  They are experiencing changes as strongly as you are but they just may not be able to communicate their feelings as well.  If you and/or your significant other have to return to work... talk about that change as well. It cannot hurt to keep them updated on their little lives.

Allow them to help with the care of the REAL new baby is so key in bonding the siblings! Get your first child a play baby to care for while you care for your newbie. Get them a sling, a swaddle, a paci, etc.  The Bear was ravenous to touch, hold, kiss, and hug The Bird.  He loved helping so much and it would add on many minutes to the process but I think it helped him cope.

Scrape out some one-on-one time with your first babe.   Even if it is as little as a being his designated bedtime story-teller every night.  Also, time with other family and friends or play dates to help keep them happy and occupied for little bits of time keep them less laser-focused on parents cooing/rocking/feeding the new baby all day.

A great idea I learned from my cousin, Jana, was to have a series of gifts that are for your first babe from the new baby after the baby is born.  I think this is a great reminder to your first child that the baby loves them too.

Talk it Out
Did I mention the importance of talking with your first born about all the changes... oh, right, I did!  The same goes for the rest of the fam!  There will suddenly be this new being to care for as well as your # 1 babe, and the pets, the house, and the yard, and the meals.  It can and will be overwhelming.  Delegate duties.  Decide what is imperative and what can be neglected temporarily.  Communicate this with any adults in earshot.

After The Bear, DaveBee and I learned some awesome lessons about negotiating so that everyone is content and less stressed.  For DaveBee, his non-negotiables were a tidy house and doggies that got attention and mine were family bonding and nutritious food. So we found a way to make those things happen and some other things went by the wayside.

Other great sources of communicating or venting are moms, doulas, doctors, midwives, and people who have been there!  Reach out.  You may be surprised at your captive audience.

Ditch the Guilt
Accepting that you will be spending less time with your first love and pretty much inseparable from your new addition will help you to be more forgiving towards yourself.  I think there is a natural mourning or a sense of guilt that occurs. By no means ignore this but knowing that it is normal and that you are in the precipice of change should help you along.

What I have heard from most moms with more than one child is that there is no "magic" time to have a second baby.  There are the obvious pros and cons like having two in diapers at the same time but that they will be out of said diapers sooner than later!  Any guilt associated with having another "too soon" will be replaced with hope when they start playing and interacting.

Give it Time
Looking back over the last 16 months I remember chunks of time.  I remember The Bird's infancy and my leave at home with her FLYING by.  I remember The Bear loving the newness and attention in the beginning but then struggling when I went back to work.  I remember The Bird being an easy baby but has grown into this amazing human that has needs and wants just like her older brother.  She is learning to express those far earlier than her older brother because she has him to show her the way.

I can tell you after these chunks of time that IT GETS EASIER. You find your groove.  You get into a rhythm.  Give it time.

The last crucial bit of information I can give you is give yourself a break.  We hold ourselves to unreal and insane standards that leave us exhausted mentally, physically and spiritually.  Give yourself a break and accept that, especially now, with two kids, you may not be parent of the year but you were easy on yourself. Our kids can learn a lot from that.

Chicken Curry: Gluten Free with Garden-fresh Basil

The very first dinners I ever cooked DaveBee in college was tilapia fish and vegetables in a curry sauce with rice and garnished with avocado and orange slices. 

It was the first time I had cooked curry-anything.

It was one of those moments in my life where the planets aligned where the meal was smashing and I may have won over the love of my life!

Since then, he and I have consumed much curry and coconut milk together.  In fact, it usually makes its way into a weekly dinner as the days start to get shorter and cooler.

Here is the SUPER easy recipe I made recently to clean up some thai basil from the garden.

Chicken Curry: Gluten Free and Garden-Fresh Basil

This mild version is kiddo and toddler approved!

3 Chicken breasts (about 1 breast per person)

Curry powder (see label for amount as they vary)

Lots of Stir fry vegetables

1 Can Coconut Milk

Handful of fresh thai basil

Pan cook chicken breasts dusting each side of chicken with curry powder as you turn it.  Cook slow and low. When chicken is about 5 minutes out, simultaneously, saute the stir fry vegetables and a few sprigs of basil in some olive oil on high heat AND bring coconut milk with more curry powder to a simmer in a saucepan. 

Add curry coconut milk to vegetables and add some more fresh basil as the two pans of ingredients marry. Slice up chicken and add to the vegetables as well.  Serve!

Notes:

This is fantastic over rice as well. We have gotten many kinds of curry powders and pastes but if you are a beginner try any of the Thai Kitchen pastes!

Serves 2 adults and 2 kiddos

Chips and Lemons

I try and be careful how I help The Bear and The Bird to understand that MamaBee doesn't eat gluten.

Sometimes I get technical with The Bear and explain it is not good for my body because of x, y, and z... while still letting him know that he can eat it without consequence.  

Also, I pretend to eat a gluten-ous cookie offered by The Bird in hopes of not hurting her feelings and share in the sweet gesture of sharing.

Today, The Bear and I were enjoying some peace and quiet after The Bird went down for her nap.  We made lemon tea and ate cookies.  He offered me some of his cookie and I said I would stick with my gluten-free version.

"Oh, yea, mama, you can only eat chips and lemons."

Yikes.  Time to revamp the diet.

Potty Training Continued: Incentives

Turns out TheBear needed some more guidance and clarification as to some good times to sit on the potty...
So we created this.

Each day he gets something cool regardless of the completion of the chart. Note the asterisk on the top right. ;)

Also, he likes to fill in the squares with "fireworks" ...  obsessed.

By the way, I think TheBear liked making a chart as much as this gal.

Un-Potty Training and 5 Tips in Hindsight

I'm going to be honest.
Potty training scared me.  Parts of it still do.

Teaching a determined preschooler how and when to use the toilet when he showed zero interest was super daunting!

Interest in superhero underpants came and went. Testing out his kid potty and kid toilet seat became lackluster.

It wasn't that he didn't know how it was just that he didn't want to do it.

I poured over articles and other parenting posts about the VARIOUS ways to potty train.  And there are MANY!  Which angle would we take?  How much pressure would we assert?

I knew that the mounting cost of having two in diapers for over a year was disconcerting to my bank account.  I also knew that there was no outside pressure to potty train him by a certain age.  His preschool was OK with it, his family was OK with it, his friends certainly didn't mind (or even to notice!), and most of all he really didn't mind.  From what I gathered, if given the time, children will do it pretty easily when they are ready.

Don't get me wrong, visions of The Bear entering Kindergarten with a diaper on entered my thoughts.  I quickly dismissed these with him just one day deciding he was ready and never looking back.

This is, essentially, what has happened.

We are not out of the woods yet but we are officially in the midst of un-potty training.  Here are 5 tips I wish I knew a year ago:

1. Don't get him all worked up about potty training.  Talk about it.  Talk about how mommy and daddy do it and how his big cousins don't wear diapers.  The less foreign to him, the more interest it generates.
2. Do it in small, comfortable increments.  If he is not ready to poop on the potty, let him do it in a diaper for a while.  Put him in a diaper during naps and bedtime and then slowly wean him off those one at a time. No rush.
3. Celebrate small victories!  A trip to the grocery store with dry pants gets mom and dad crazy-dance time.  All weekend with underwear on during waking hours = excavator tractor! Give him some super fun incentives that don't have to be food related!
4. Have back-ups: diapers, underwear, shorts/pants!
5. If an accident happens, he might be embarrassed and want to revert back to diapers for a minute.  Let him.  Your confidence in him will build his own confidence.

As long as I let him go at his own speed I find that there are far fewer blow-ups and tears.  I also realize that taking your sweet-ass time is not always realistic but the stress level is almost non-existent and therefore, totally worth it for The Beehive.

Swiffing in underpants.

P.S.  We went on a day car trip and brought the potty seat.  He told us when he needed to go and we would pull off and he would sit in the back of the car on his potty and pee and we would dump it in a discreet place.  It was something I was worried about since we take many road trips.  He didn't have one accident!

I am not so scared of potty training anymore.

The Children's Librarian

On our way home from the read aloud and art class at our library I could hear The Bear behind me in his carseat singing the words to one of the songs from class.  The Bear is not one to sing through an entire song so I sat silently driving in hopes of capturing every word.

He sang all the way through until the end.  Then he asked, "What that girl's name singing that song?"  I replied that I forgot her name but that she was the children's librarian.

Silence.

He started singing the song again and doing the hand movements along with it (it is the hand-washing song). Then, he clapped and said, "Very good, everyone. Me is the children's librarian."

I whipped around to see the cheekiest smile I have ever seen.

Something like this.

Bears and Butter Fingers

The only thing that I can equate The Bear's sneaky bedtime antics to is.... well, a bear.  Particularly those pesky bears that have gotten all too comfortable with people and campers and raise havoc after the sun goes down.

Light up toothbrushes:  Part of the bedtime routine.

DaveBee and I have tried all sorts of parenting "techniques" from silent, no affect faces returning him to his bed to straight up bribery!  AND we give them time to work... yet, something has changed in this little man and he no longer wants to go to bed.

Sometimes his behavior has us smirking as we leave his bedroom and other times we are almost in tears as we return him to bed for the 73rd time.

Last night, the adults in The Beehive got a little comic relief during the shenanigans.

At some point after tucking The Bear in we realized that it was FAR too quiet for him. DaveBee was the first to investigate.  He peered through the crack in The Bear's door only to see that the room was empty!  He opened the door and scanned it just to be sure.  He then crossed the hallway to our bedroom where he saw The Bear perched on my dresser fiddling about.  DaveBee asked him what in the world he was doing and in doing so, startled The Bear who tumbled off he dresser!  He was fine... and that was not the comical part!

As I returned him to his bedroom I saw that he had smothered his face, hands and arms in Burt's Bees baby bum jelly.  All exposed body parts were glistening... still not the comic relief I speak of.

I wiped him down but it inevitably left slight sheen that he would have to deal with until the morning.  After plopping him in bed I closed his door (this was the rule: get out of bed and the door closes).  I heard him jump out of bed and run to come harass us some more! He arrive at the inside of his door and grabbed the handle only to have his hands slip off!!! Again and again he tried to open the door to no avail!!  I could not help but stand on the other side of the door and chuckle!

This, my friends, was the funny part.

Breastfeeding: Slowing Down to Catch Up

In honor of the last night of Worldwide Breastfeeding Week I thought I would share a recent, personal story.  A story in which I slowed my life down in order to gain perspective but ultimately gained so much more.

The Bear's first time holding The Bird! 

 For me, I found the path to breastfeeding both The Bird and The Bear to be relatively easy.  The beginning, for both, was wrought with all the trials you endure and eventually become familiar with the second time around: Latching, soreness, sitting for long stretches, pumping if needed, cosleeping if that's your thing, etc...
The Bird gave me some scares with trouble latching properly and slow weight gain  for about 2 weeks after birth... but, after about a month, we got it down.

The difference with my breastfeeding relationship with The Bird compared to that which I had with The Bear was that I had a 2 year old and a newborn AND would eventually be returning to a high-stress job.  I felt like our relationship was different from the beginning but chocked it up to starting a new relationship with a whole new being.  Only now can I see how not only was she a different baby but I was different too.

The Bear would nurse for what felt like hours and be content to just sleep in my arms blissfully.  He would often nurse on demand every hour even if it was just to have that bonding closeness with me.  I was a new mom and less expectations of me from my job.  He had my undivided attention and I loved every minute of it.

My relationship with The Bird was on the move from the beginning.  Often breastfeeding while standing, walking, making dinner, checking emails, answering phone calls and literally chasing The Bear!  She was/is a trooper. I believe, as a result of her life moving at a break-neck speed, she learned to quickly and efficiently eat and get on with her day.  There were only occasional times of falling asleep after nursing in my lap. Our snuggles were usually crashed by a wonderfully rowdy 2 year old!

A year went by...

Career developments drastically changed the course of my life.  I found myself home with The Bear and The Bird more often.  Summer meant I could be a stay-at-home mom for a while.

After these workplace changes I made some personal changes regarding my parenting style: less cell phone while nursing or eating a meal at the table, slow down and REALLY listen to what The Bear is saying and what The Bird is trying to say, say "no, not now" less often, and spend quality, unrushed time with both babes... separately.

Something unexpected happened.

One evening during our nightly, usually-hurried get the kids to bed routine, DaveBee and I realized that we WEREN'T hurrying.  At some point we both had started taking one child and doing this awesome, slow, calm routine with them.   DaveBee took The Bear and I took The Bird (mostly as a result of The Bird still learning the difference between thin paper-page books and cardboard-page books :/ and DaveBee lacking the milk-producing goods!) to proceed with reading books, singing songs and just a general daily check-in.

The Bird would calmly nurse for extended periods of time.  She would lay on my lap and read and snuggle and nurse while I sang or just talked to her.  She and I both had found our happy place.  I was not rushing, I was not preoccupied and I had nothing else to focus on except my baby girl... who had grown to be my beautiful little toddler.

The Bird and I at her 1st and The Bear's 3rd Princess and Pirate Birthday Party 

While I am not extremely proud to admit that my busy life (even during maternity leave...) was a hindrance to  my breastfeeding relationship with my darling cherub, I am extremely happy to report that we are now more connected than ever.  I foresee a lovely nursing and bonding relationship extending into her second year.

Smoothies: Beating the Heat

The Bear, The Bird and I have been experimenting with smoothies to get us through these HOT NorCal summers.  We just had 5 days over 100 degrees!

Here are a few recipes that are winners.  OK, they have all been winners because of the crazy amounts of fruit in them. Also, the kids dig anything that makes a loud noise!

Avo-Fruit
Ice
Banana
Strawberry
Blueberry
Peach
Avocado
Orange Juice

Carrot-Orange
Ice
Carrots
Banana
Blueberry
Orange Juice

I bought kale today... I can't wait to get the kids into it!

What is the weirdest thing you have put in a smoothie?