"It's a girl!"
We could not have been happier. What a wonderful way to round out the little family. From that moment on I wondered about TheBird and how she would fit in to our world.
Life has been so different since her arrival. It has been a total confidence-builder and also a foundation-shaker. Read on to hear more about what has worked to help keep the peace and what has not after adding baby number two.
Prepare your First Child
Regardless of your first child's age, talk it out. Over. And over. Never assume they will get it the first time or remember. When the baby is born there may be a honeymoon period where your first babe basks in all the attention from family and friends. Eventually, life starts to become somewhat back to normal for them with the exception of this new attention hog! Keep talking to them. They are experiencing changes as strongly as you are but they just may not be able to communicate their feelings as well. If you and/or your significant other have to return to work... talk about that change as well. It cannot hurt to keep them updated on their little lives.
Allow them to help with the care of the REAL new baby is so key in bonding the siblings! Get your first child a play baby to care for while you care for your newbie. Get them a sling, a swaddle, a paci, etc. The Bear was ravenous to touch, hold, kiss, and hug The Bird. He loved helping so much and it would add on many minutes to the process but I think it helped him cope.
Scrape out some one-on-one time with your first babe. Even if it is as little as a being his designated bedtime story-teller every night. Also, time with other family and friends or play dates to help keep them happy and occupied for little bits of time keep them less laser-focused on parents cooing/rocking/feeding the new baby all day.
A great idea I learned from my cousin, Jana, was to have a series of gifts that are for your first babe from the new baby after the baby is born. I think this is a great reminder to your first child that the baby loves them too.
Talk it Out
Did I mention the importance of talking with your first born about all the changes... oh, right, I did! The same goes for the rest of the fam! There will suddenly be this new being to care for as well as your # 1 babe, and the pets, the house, and the yard, and the meals. It can and will be overwhelming. Delegate duties. Decide what is imperative and what can be neglected temporarily. Communicate this with any adults in earshot.
After The Bear, DaveBee and I learned some awesome lessons about negotiating so that everyone is content and less stressed. For DaveBee, his non-negotiables were a tidy house and doggies that got attention and mine were family bonding and nutritious food. So we found a way to make those things happen and some other things went by the wayside.
Other great sources of communicating or venting are moms, doulas, doctors, midwives, and people who have been there! Reach out. You may be surprised at your captive audience.
Ditch the Guilt
Accepting that you will be spending less time with your first love and pretty much inseparable from your new addition will help you to be more forgiving towards yourself. I think there is a natural mourning or a sense of guilt that occurs. By no means ignore this but knowing that it is normal and that you are in the precipice of change should help you along.
What I have heard from most moms with more than one child is that there is no "magic" time to have a second baby. There are the obvious pros and cons like having two in diapers at the same time but that they will be out of said diapers sooner than later! Any guilt associated with having another "too soon" will be replaced with hope when they start playing and interacting.
Give it Time
Looking back over the last 16 months I remember chunks of time. I remember The Bird's infancy and my leave at home with her FLYING by. I remember The Bear loving the newness and attention in the beginning but then struggling when I went back to work. I remember The Bird being an easy baby but has grown into this amazing human that has needs and wants just like her older brother. She is learning to express those far earlier than her older brother because she has him to show her the way.
I can tell you after these chunks of time that IT GETS EASIER. You find your groove. You get into a rhythm. Give it time.
The last crucial bit of information I can give you is give yourself a break. We hold ourselves to unreal and insane standards that leave us exhausted mentally, physically and spiritually. Give yourself a break and accept that, especially now, with two kids, you may not be parent of the year but you were easy on yourself. Our kids can learn a lot from that.
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